Dating Disasters
by blackandblood
Summary: Ever had a horrible date? Well, see how many things can go wrong when that date is with Takuya Kanbara. Here is a list of just a few mishaps that may make you want to visit a clinic for some strong anti-crazy pills before your next potential date. Takumi.


**Here is my newest story. I was in a really happy, hyper mood and decided to write a parody :) It's a bit long, sorry.**

**Takuya: Why do you like to do parodies like these? You know, countdown type things?**

**me: Cuz I like to! Now shut up and let's start the fic!**

**Dating Disasters**

Have you ever had a bad date? So bad that you just wanted to excuse yourself to the bathroom and escape through a window? Well, some dates aren't that bad. Other dates you want to hurl yourself in front of an oncoming bus. For those dates, they could be worse I suppose. That is especially true if you are on one with Takuya Kanbara.

Takuya: Hey, what the hell are you talking about?! I'm not a bad date! And what the hell are you doing?

I'm narrating this, but other than that, I will not be appearing in this fic. Now shut up and let me continue.

Takuya: *walks away grumbling*

Anyway, here are some of the possible things that could go wrong on dates. They are carefully numbered and are only a few things that could want you running for the hills. Since this is a Takumi fic, it will obviously have Takuya and Zoe in it. If you don't like it, then you can kiss this hobo's ass.

Hobo: *bends over and moons everyone* Pucker up!

Yes, as I was saying, please read the following disasters/mishaps and hope that not all (if any) of these happen to you on your future dates.

_1. Asking the person out on the date in the first place. This can either go very smoothly...or extremely awkwardly.... Even if it is the weirdest experience of your life, just shrug it off and don't act like it traumatized you. Either that or wait for the person to leave and then have a nervous breakdown._

Takuya: *walks up to Zoe* Hey, Zoe. You're looking hot in that tight shirt of yours!

Zoe: Oh, thanks Takuya. I'm glad you like it.

Takuya: So hot I could just reach out and grab those sexy boobies of yours!

Zoe: Uh....thank you?

Takuya: Yeah....damn they look good.. *licks his lips* Yeah...I can picture myself doing some crazy things to those melons! *puts his hands out in front of Zoe's boobs and pretends to honk them*

Zoe: O_O; Um, did you come over to me just to tell me that you like my...uh...assets?

Takuya: Oh, right. Zoe, wanna go out on a date with me?! I mean, we've known each other for how long now? We were bound to have sex-I mean, date sooner or later.

Zoe: Oh...okay, sure. You can pick me up tonight at 5:00 okay?

Takuya: How about 5:01?! I want to be fashionably late! *foams at the mouth slightly*

Zoe: Uh, sure. Well....see you later... *walks away a bit creeped out*

Takuya: *wipes foam away* Zoe Orimoto, you will me MINEZ!!!!!

_2. Meeting the parents. First impressions are very important, especially if your date's parents are either really protective, strict, or just plain crazy. Remember, they'll never forget you if you were the one who egged their house last week while drunk. __Keep in mind that even if you already know the parents, they may come off as a bit different now that you're dating their baby rather than just hanging out. So just play it cool and casual...unless of course, you are Takuya...._

Takuya: *gets out of his car and walks towards Zoe's house* This is gonna be a piece of cake. Her parents already know me and love me.

[He rings the bell and Zoe's parents answer the door]

Mrs. Orimoto: Oh, Takuya. Come right in.

Takuya: Thank you. *walks in*

Mrs. Orimoto: We're so excited that our baby girl is going out with someone as mature and responsible as you ^_^

Zoe: -_-: Well, bye mom. Bye dad. See ya later.

[Just then a song come on the radio and Zoe's parents smile at each other.]

Mr. Orimoto: Ah, this is your mother and I's song. *begins to sing* Won't you take me to...Funkytown! Won't you take me to....Funkytown! Why don't you take me to....Funkytown! *begins to do a really strange dance*

Takuya and Zoe: O_O;

Mrs. Orimoto: Do you two have any special songs that remind you of each other?

Takuya: Actually I have this one song in mind. It involves the last time Zoe and I hung out with each other.

Zoe: Really?

Mr. Orimoto: What is it?

Takuya: Okay, here it goes. *begins to sing* She said he's so sweet, I wanna lick the wrapper....and sheeeeeeeeeeeeee, she licked me like a lollipop. Like a lollipop! Shorty wanna thug, bottles in the club! Shorty wanna hump, you know I like to touch, ya lovely lady lumps!

Zoe: O_O Uh, come on Takuya! Let's go! *drags him out of the house as quickly as possible*

Mrs. Orimoto: ....O_O; Oh, dear.....

Mr. Orimoto: Where's my shotgun?! I'll kill him!

_3. Getting to the destination. Now, sometimes you may have to deal with traffic, or lousy music to listen to, or in certain cases, a date who drives like a lunatic. If this is the case, if you have a napkin handy, then use it to write a makeshift will. If you don't have access to a writing utensil, then use your own blood. Hey, if you think you're gonna die, then what's the big deal in losing a bit of your blood beforehand?_

Zoe: Takuya! Slow down! You're gonna get pulled over! Or you'll crash the damn car!

Takuya: *swerving through lanes like a madman* No! We need to catch the movie!

Zoe: We have plenty of time! So please slow down!

Takuya: *runs a red light* NO! These old people shouldn't be on the road! They're too slow!

Zoe: Takuya, it's a late funeral! Can't you see the hearse?

Takuya: Well, they should've thought of that before they decided to hold up traffic! Besides, who has a funeral this late?! *runs the hearse off the road and causes it to explode*

Zoe: O_O *looks out the window* ...Oh, no! There's a cruiser behind us! He wants you to pull over!

Takuya: Nevah! *speeds up and veers into the opposite side of the road*

Zoe: *covers her eyes* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

Takuya: *narrowly cuts through an alley, causing the cruiser to get stuck in between the buildings due to its width* Yes! I did it! See, I told you!

Zoe: ....I'm gonna die. T.T

_4. Deciding over the movie. If you and your date go to a movie, try to pick something you are both interested in. If all else fails, either flip a coin or blackmail the other person into agreeing with you. If you have nothing to blackmail them with, then the next best thing is to complain your ass off._

Takuya: But Zooooooeeeee! I wanna see THAT movie!

Zoe: Takuya, I am NOT watching Cheeseman!

Takuya: It's not Cheeseman! It's 'Cheeseman 3: Attack of the Muenster!' Come on, Zoe! I've been dying to see this.

Zoe: Can't you just see this with Kouichi or something? He shares your strange obsession with cheese-related entertainment, doesn't he?

Takuya: But I want to see it with you because I like you. Well, more than a friend at least....much more... *looks at her boobs again*

Zoe: Please, Takuya? I hate horror movies but I would even rather watch that movie 'Lost Paradise'. I heard that it's supposed to be gory as hell but I'd rather watch that.

Takuya: I heard that the screenwriter of that movie sold it for five dollars and a fun-sized bag of Cheetos. So far no one besides the movie critics has gone to see it.

Zoe: ....Yeah, I heard that the critics walked out after the first ten minutes and punched the ticket vendor....

Takuya: So let's see Cheeseman 3. Please, Zoe? For me? *does puppy eyes and sticks out lower lip*

Zoe: Oh, fine! But you better buy me a small popcorn and some aspirin....

Takuya: Yay!

_5. Going out to dinner after a movie or just going to dinner in general. This is a good way to sit down and talk, and you may discover many things about each other that you didn't know about. Though sometimes, you may have to deal with a crazy waiter lurking around the corner and then holds a gun to your head for a good tip. In other cases, you may be low on cash. Make sure to either bring enough money, or find a way to get up more. _

Waiter: Hiiiii! I will be your waiter! My name is Maurice! What can I get for you tonight?!

Takuya: Well, I think I'll-

Waiter: How about the roasted chicken? It's very tasty and scrumptious! I HIGHLY recommend it.

Takuya: Nah, that's okay. I think I'll just have-

Waiter: No, I INSIST! The chicken is to die for! Last week a woman had a heart attack and died because the chicken was so fabulous!

Zoe: Really? It was that good?

Waiter: Well, the police found a large amount of arsenic in the chicken, though I'm sure that it didn't have anything to do with her death!

Takuya: O_O Is that cook who made that working today?

Waiter: Yes! He's our best and only cook! Our other cook went to prison because it was discovered that he was serving human flesh with the entrees! But I'm sure nothing will make your dining experience unpleasant tonight.

Random customer: *falls down onto floor, dead*

Takuya and Zoe: O_O

Waiter: I'll get you the chicken! *walks away* WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN TONIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[One minute later he returns.]

Waiter: I'm sorry, but we're out of chicken. What else can I get for you?

Takuya and Zoe: -_-;

[One hour later they are done eating, and didn't die for that matter. The waiter is lurking in the shadows with a creepy grin on his face. It is time to pay the bill and Takuya realizes that he's a bit short on cash.]

Takuya: Fuck....Uh, I'll be right back!

Zoe: Um, okay....

[He goes outside and runs towards an alley. A man in a suit walks by and Takuya grabs him. He knocks the man out, then proceeds to take out the guy's wallet. He takes the thick wad of bills inside, as well as a Burger King gift card, and a business card of some sort. Takuya then runs back inside with a smile on his face.]

Zoe: Is everything okay?

Takuya: Yup, everything's perfectly fine. *pays the bill and leaves a tip* Come on, Zoe.

Zoe: *gets up and follows him out* Wow, Takuya. I didn't even know you had that much money on you. I'm impressed that you're finally saving up. ^_^

Takuya: Hehe....well, you know me. Always trying to make sure that my girl is treated right.

Zoe: But this is our first date.

Takuya: You know what I mean.

[Inside the restaurant, the waiter wanders over to retrieve his tip. He's lucky enough to find ten dollars, as well as that business card Takuya mugged from the man in the alley.]

Waiter: *reads card* 'Dr. Rufus Endenburg's Psychiatric facilities. Call 1-800-IAM-NUTS'... What is this crap?! I'm not nuts!

Restaurtant Manager: Who are you?! You don't work here!

Waiter: Mwahahahahahaha! *runs out of restaurant with the money for his tip, as well as for the bill*

_6. Sometimes, things may happen that you hadn't planned on. You may get dragged somewhere that you don't want to go to. Sure, any other day you wouldn't mind. But on your date?! Are you freaking kidding me?! Then again, you may have fun so enjoy it._

Takuya: Oh, an arcade! *drags Zoe inside*

Zoe: An arcade? Why are we coming in here?

Takuya: So I can play a video game! I promise it'll be quick. Please!!!!!!!!!

Zoe: *sigh* Eh, alright. But not too long. I have to get home by midnight.

Takuya: We have plenty of time. It's only 9:00. *drags her to sit in a little booth with the 'House of the Dead' game* This is a good game! You're gonna love it!

Zoe: Well, at least we can sit in it, right? And I'm sure that we'll only play a few rounds....

[One hour later Zoe is passed out from her boredom and Takuya finally runs out of quarters.]

Takuya: Dammit, I'm out of quarters.... *wakes Zoe up* Come on, let's go.

Zoe: Wha...? *looks at her cell phone and reads the time* It's 10:00?! You made me sit here for an hour?!

Takuya: Aw, don't be like that. I'll make it up to you. *drags her over to 'The Crane Game'* Here, I'll win you something to make it up to you.

Zoe: Oh, really? You're so sweet. ^_^

Takuya: Oh, I have one more quarter, too! It was buried in my pocket! *puts it in and drops the crane to get a prize* Hell, yeah! I got you something!

Zoe: What is it?

Takuya: *holds up a stuffed orange figure in a cape* It's a stuffed Cheeseman!

Zoe: -_-;

_7. The drive back to the house. This is where things are begin to wrap up and when the two people have possibly gotten on each other's nerves by now. Wreckless driving may ensue of the driver is trashed. Though if you get into a car accident, chances are you won't remember it until you wake up the next morning in either the hospital or your jail cell._

Zoe: Takuya, slow down!

Takuya: No! This dude is going way too fucking slow! *tries to go around the guy*

Zoe: You're gonna get us killed!

Takuya: *to driver* Pull over, you asshole! Learn to drive!

Driver: *suddenly jerks the wheel and crashes into a tree*

Takuya: Hahahahaha! *drives around the wreckage*

Zoe: *looks back at the accident* Oh, my god! I think that guy's having a seizure!

Takuya: Who cares? We're not stuck behind him anymore!

Zoe: -_-;

[Ten minutes later, Takuya pulls into his driveway and not Zoe's.]

Zoe: Uh, why are we here?

Takuya: My parents and Shinya are out for the night. So I wanted to spend some time with you.

Zoe: Awww. ^_^

[Five minutes later]

Zoe: Aaaah! What are you doing, Takuya?!

Takuya: You're so pretty and hot and that tight little dress! Me wants to do dirty things with you! *begins to chase her*

Zoe: Knock it off, you neanderthal! What's the matter with you?!

[He chases her around and they knock over half the furniture in the process. He finally tackles her and pins her to the floor.]

Takuya: Hey Zoe. Guess what?

Zoe: Ow! *shifts* What?!

Takuya: I was just kidding! I wasn't going to do dirty things with you. It's too soon and I know you're not ready.

Zoe: *sighs with relief* Oh, good.... Yeah, too soon.

Takuya: But I want these! *grabs her boobs*

Zoe: Aaaaaaaahhhh! Quit it!

Takuya: Why?! You licked me like a lollipop the other day!

Zoe: *knees him in the crotch*

Takuya: O.O Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh! My nuts!

_8. Okay, the actual drive home. The first is usually a detour to get ice cream or something so this one is dropping your date off. Unless of course you took separate cars. But since our favorite couple didn't in this case, then we'll just go with it. Again, crazy driving and stupid cell phone conversations may occur._

Takuya: *on the phone while driving* What do you mean, Kouichi?! Cheeseman is waaaaaaaaaay better than Pickle Guy!

Zoe: ...Just shoot me.....

Takuya: *hits an old lady with his car* No! Cheeseman can drown you in his cheesy goodness! Pickle Guy can't do that!

Zoe: Takuya, you just hit an old lady!

Takuya: It's too late for her to be out walking. She deserved it. *to Kouichi* No! Pickle Guy is just an overgrown cucumber who is only a pickle because he sat in pickle juice for eight hours! *listens* Brine? What the hell is brine?! No, he didn't sit in brine to become a pickle! He sat in pickle juice to become a pickle!

Zoe: *begins to repeatedly hit her head against the window in frustration*

_9. The 'goodbye' and the kiss at the end of the date. Usually if the date has gone well, there is a type of kiss involved. If you only see each other as friends, there will usually just be one on the cheek, if that. If you enjoyed it and would like to see each other again, then it may either be one on the cheek or quick one on the lips. If you see it as more than just wanting another date, not only will there be a kiss, but possibly a quick round in the bedroom. Warning: If you (or both of you) have been drinking, waking up together in one of your beds the next morning is more than likely._

Takuya: I had a great time with you tonight, Zoe.

Zoe: You know what? Even though you almost got us killed, and dragged me to see a movie I didn't want to watch, and made me sit and wait an hour for you to play 'House of the Dead', and-

Takuya: Uh, I get it.

Zoe: Right. Anyway, I had a good time too.

Takuya: I really like you a lot, Zoe. And I'll prove it to you.... *slowly leans in for a kiss*

Zoe: *leans in also*

Mr. Orimoto: *barges out with a shotgun* You little bastard! You dared to rap in MY house?! I don't think so!

Mrs. Orimoto: *to her husband* You care more about the fact that he was using a rap song rather than the actual lyrics themself?!

Takuya: But I didn't do the rap version! I can't rap! I did the rock cover version, so it's okay!

Mr. Orimoto: Oh...but my daughter licked you like a lollipop! I'll blow your balls off for that!

Takuya: You'll never take me alive! *uses Zoe as shield* Shoot! I dare ya!

Zoe: O_O; Takuya! What are you doing?!

Takuya: *laughs manically, then kisses Zoe* There! Now try stopping me! *drags Zoe over to the car with him so that her father won't shoot*

Mr. Orimoto: Move so I can get a clear shot of you, ya little hooligan!

Takuya: See ya, Zoe! *jumps into the car and drives off* Mwahahahahaha!

Zoe: O_O; What the hell....

Mr. and Mrs. Orimoto: .....That kid needs help.....

_10. The aftermath of the date. Sometimes the two of you will only see each other as friends and will still hang out every now again. Sometimes you might want to go out on another date. Or you may realize that the two of you have different interests and don't bother to see each other anymore. Or in certain cases, if you happen to catch a glimpse of your date on the street, you may want to hop onto the next bus to Timbuktu. However, if you need to go over some type of body of water, scuba gear or a rental submarine may prove to be useful. Or you can just go to the town next to yours to make your life easier. However, your date may cling to back bumper of the bus demanding why you haven't answered their phone calls. The solution to that is to find the nearest blunt object and knock them the hell off the damn bumper._

Zoe: *goes up to Takuya's house and knocks on the door* Takuya?

Takuya: *opens the door* Oh, hey Zoe. What's up?

Zoe: You dropped your wallet on our front lawn last night while you were keeping me hostage to get to your car. So I decided to bring it to you. *hands it to him*

Takuya: Oh, thanks. *takes it* You know, I had a really good time with you.

Zoe: Yeah, I did too.

Takuya: I was wondering...would you like to go on another date with me? I'll let you pick the movie this time.

Zoe: I would love to. Just don't come to my house. My dad's waiting inside with his shotgun.

Takuya: That's fine. I'll just meet you down the street or something.

Zoe: *leans over and gives him a soft kiss on the lips* I figured that I would give you another kiss seeing how my parents barged in when we tried to last time. And then the one you gave me was a bit rushed since my dad threatened to blow your balls off....

Takuya: *smiles like an idiot* I got a kiss! Oh, I got you a present by the way. *hands her a small gift bag*

Zoe: Aw, thank you. You didn't have to get me a gift. ^_^

Takuya: Yeah, but I wanted to. Open it.

Zoe: *opens it* Ooooh, it's perfume. Thank you.

Takuya: I saw it earlier today and decided to get it for you. Kouichi dragged me to the mall because Pickle Guy was there signing autographs. While he was getting his picture taken with Pickle Guy, I saw it in one of those girly stores that you like. So I bought it for you.

Zoe: Oh, thank you! *jumps up and gives him a hug* But, if I had your wallet, how did you pay for it?

Takuya: Mugged someone.

Zoe: O_O;

Takuya: I got you a good perfume, too. Or that's what the crazy lady behind the counter told me. Take a big whiff and see for yourself.

Zoe: Okay. *sprays it, but it comes out as a big puff of pink smoke* What the- *smoke knocks her out and she faints*

Takuya: *catches her and picks her up* Haha! It worked! She can't say 'no' now! *runs back inside and locks the door*

So, there you have it. Ten of the possible things that could go wrong on your date. Other disasters include maiming, fights, food fights, arrest, bad cell phone reception, the wrong meal, getting shot at, getting stabbed, getting killed, seizures, headaches, heart attacks, bloating, fatigue, and nausea just to name a few. And if you have a crazy date, remember one thing; Pepper spray and a quick exit work wonders.

Hobo: Come on! Doesn't anyone wanna kiss my ass?! *smacks his naked ass*

**Okay, that's the end of my dumb one-shot. I hope you found it a bit entertaining so please let me know what you thought.**


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